We'll get him back
by Hattie J Huper
Summary: Someone has a vendetta against Charles and has kidnapped Almanzo. But who are these people and why did they take Almanzo. Why...why...WHY!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Another day in Walnut Grove and everyone looked unusually happy. No actually it's Walnut Grove, everyone is always happy. Crazy girl dancing on a mountain top happy.

That's why Caroline Ingals turned heads that day. She didn't look happy. She looked tired as she walked into the Mercantile.

Mrs Oleson frowned as she approached.

"Oh dear, you do look tired Caroline," she said.

Caroline sighed heavily and wiped her brow.

"I know," she smiled. "Laura and Albert went to stay with the Garvey's. It was just me and Charles all weekend. I must confess I got very little sleep."

Herriot exchanged looks with Nels.

Nels cleared his throat awkwardly before continuing.

"Er...another letter came for Charles," he fished it from a drawer behind the counter and handed it to her.

She beamed at him as she took it. "That's the third letter this month. He's becoming a regular...person who gets letters all the time."

Nels handed her a package containing flour and salt and molasses and uncle Ben's fried rice.

Caroline waved "well goodbye now, I have to go home and...bake something."

~o~

On her way home Caroline found Charles out in the fields sewing crops, hot sun, no shirt, glistening chest, look away it's so wrong, seriously stop. It's sinful. This is a nice show.

You're still picturing it, have you no shame?.

"Hay Darlin, if this weather holds up I should have this corn planted by the end of the week."

Right then Caroline couldn't give a crap, his hot chest wasn't lost on her either.

"Oh Charles, that's wonderful," She smiled.

Charles beamed at her, his glistening pecks twitching slightly.

"Oh Charles I nearly forgot, this letter came for you."

Charles frowned as he opened it. He read with a growing look of horror on his face.

With a guttural roar of anguish he tore the letter into pieces, threw them to the ground and jumped up and down on them.

Caroline stepped back "another advertisement from the Target catalog Charles?" She asked.

"Yes," he said, his tone wooden, "another advertisement."

"Well, see you at home Charles. I'm making beef pie for supper."

Charles didn't answer. He was staring into space, his face white with shock.

Caroline stopped, taking a closer look. "Charles you look so worried, perhaps you'd prefer lamb stew?"

"No no, whatever you cook will be fine," he said in a monotone voice staring into space and wringing his hands.

~o~

Despite her worry over Charles, Caroline hurried home. She had to cook a special dinner. Laura's beau Almanzo was coming over. Charles hadn't had an opportunity to scowl or threaten him in over a week. Charles liked Almanzo but he'd break both his legs if he hurt Laura. It was important to remind the boy at regular intervals.

There was many fine dishes gracing the table that night, a fine beef pie with potatoes and fresh carrots, and blueberry pie and fresh cream for dessert. All enjoyed the feast but Laura was disappointed. Mary and Adam were set to bring Almanzo from town but there was some sort of mixup and they brought Percival instead.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to Laura, " they kinda hijacked me, I couldn't say anything."

With a sick look she slopped more pie on to his plate.

Outside Bandit barked on queue signaling that someone was approaching the little house.

Bandit was a smart dog but hands up who preferred Jack...

Charles and the others hurried outside as Nels Oleson jumped down from his carriage.

"Charles I'm sorry to bother you at this hour of the night but something terrible has happened. Two men arrived on horseback carrying guns. They took Almanzo Wilder by force stating that he was soon to be a part of your family. They seem to know you. One was large and stocky the other was dressed in black. They told me to give you this letter."

Charles took the letter with shaky hands and quickly read.

Laura clung to her mother numb with shock. Adam and Mary tried to lend support.

Percival remained inside and helped himself to more pie.

"Pa, what did the letter say?" Laura asked.

Charles crumpled it between his fingers. "We'll get him back half pint," he said, staring off in the distance with a determined look on his face.

"We'll get him back!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A/n Little House on the Prairie was an excellent show with wonderful storylines and brilliant acting. This Fan Fic is not...

This is done just for fun, no offence intended.

~o~

They resumed their evening meal all the while worrying about Almanzo.

"Oh Pa, if anything happens to Manly I...I don't know what I'll do" Laura said as she buttered a thick slice of homemade bread and crammed some into her mouth.

"It won't come to that half pint, I'm going to town in the morning, get a posse together. We'll have him back in no time."

"But what of the letter you received?" Caroline asked.

Charles shook his head. "It was nothing."

"But Charles it might hold the key to this whole mess."

"It was nothing alright."

Caroline smiled. "You're right Charles, I love you."

Suddenly they heard a commotion outside. Charles grabbed his rifle and headed out the door.

"Get out the way for old Dan Tucker, he is one big fat f... Hay for God sakes Charles what ye doin pointing that rifle my ways."

"Mr Edwards, haven't you heard, Almanzo has been taken by bandits."

"Bandit, never did like that dog. Easiest thing. Jist follow him round. He's bound to dig him up..."

"Bandits, Edwards Bandits. They took Almanzo." Charles rattled off frustrated.

"Would you like some coffee Mr Edwards?" Caroline said as she squinted in the early morning sunlight. No she didn't cause it was actually night time.

"Don't mind if I do, I wouldn't mind some of that grub you is all chowing down on neither."

~o~

By the following morning they were all assembled, the posse!

Edwards was there.

There was John Garvey sitting high on his horse looking stern and determined, his son Andy was also trying to look stern and determined but couldn't, he just looked cute.

Charles was there of course looking tough and ready for action, beside him was Albert, trying not to yawn.

Laura had insisted on coming along, she was dressed as a man complete with a rifle strapped to her saddle. Since she was coming Caroline was going to come now too. She was dressed in her usual attire and brought with her a pack horse laden down with food supplies.

Nelly and Percival were also coming. Ah this is getting stupid now, stop the madness.

Before they set off Reverend Alden shuffled over carrying his large, weather beaten bible.

"Hi Reverend," Charles greeted him. "I hope you haven't come to talk us out of this. We have to do this Reverend, all I can promise is that we will only act in self defense."

"No Charles, one of your horses did his business just outside my church. I hope you plan on cleaning that up before you leave."

And so they all got down from their horses and began cleaning up the mess outside the church, Reverend Alden standing and pointing to spots they'd missed.

Soon they were all ready to leave.

"Edwards, you being the tracker of the group I think you should lead us out," Charles told him.

"I'm a tracker?. Oh ok. I think we should head...this way," Edwards scratched his beard and started walking off through the bushes. The rest followed him on horseback.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

They travelled for many miles over brush and gorse and wild terrain. To the untrained eye it almost looked as though Edwards was just walking in random directions. What do we know of the skills of a true man of the wild. Their powers are almost mythical.

After many hours the men dismounted.

"I think we'll camp here for the night," Charles told the others.

The men set up a shooting party and went in search of game. Random shots ricocheted off trees and plates and saddles causing the horses to startle and the girls to duck.

"I'm so proud of our men," Caroline smiled as she crouched lower. "They are capturing the forces of nature and harnessing them for our very survival."

Laura nodded her agreement but crouched lower as a stray bullet splintered the wood just beside her head.

After much shooting and a scream of pain as John Garvey fell into a trench the others had dug, they all returned empty handed.

"My Winchester has seen better days," Charles frowned. "The balance on the gun is completely gone, look at that. How are you supposed to shoot with that. I think I'll give it to Albert."

Just as his name was mentioned Albert walked into camp with Andy. Between them they had three skinned Rabbits and six fish.

Caroline clapped her hands with glee. "Oh well done boys, a feast fit for a king."

The boys handed her all they had caught and dug some duck eggs out of their pockets. Andy had even found an obliging cow and handed over a canister of milk.

"Very good but in future boys don't skin the rabbits until they are ready to be cooked," Charles told them pointedly.

"And don't just walk into camp without hailing all and letting us know you're approaching," John Garvey also told them.

"No sir," they both said together.

"And don't just sit there, those potatoes ain't gonna peel themselves," Mr Edwards growled.

"No sir," the boys got up and went to the pile.

All enjoyed a large feast of rabbit and fish, Caroline decided to keep the eggs for tomorrow's breakfast. Nellie had brought a large basket of China, Percival's back was not the better for it but she assured him it was worth it as she laid out their food on the delicate hand painted plates.

John was munching away on succulent rabbit meat when something suddenly caught his eye.

"Charles," he called.

"Um hum," Charles had finished his meal and was laid down with his eyes closed.

"Charles...isn't that your house over there?"

Charles immediately sat up and squinted in the near darkness.

Sure enough, not far off was his little house. Bandit stood there looking at them, tail wagging.

"Edwards, what is this. I thought you knew how to track."

"I donno what gave you that idea Charles. My clothes have seen better days, I got this big grisly beard and I only seen a bath on special days but I ain't never been good at trackin. When you said you need a good tracker I thought I was comin along to help you look for him."

Charles shook his head. "Ok Albert, Andy start packing up this camp. We're heading indoors tonight and we'll look for a tracker in the morning."

~o~

Meanwhile Almanzo was suffering at the hands of cruel, merciless bandits. He was stuffing his face with stew which was not quite seasoned properly, it was bland and the meat was a little tough for his taste.

"I mean do you eat like this all the time?" He asked as he sat by the camp fire wrapped in a warm blanket. "You people are animals."

"Why don't you give your mouth a rest, you've been talking non stop since we took you," the man in black said.

"Ok...any more stew?" Almanzo asked, holding out his bowl.

"Give him more stew Hoss," the older man gestured.

"Aww Adam he's had two bowls already. I ain't never seen an appetite bigger than mine."

"Go on Hoss, our grudge is not with him. We need to find little brother and take back what's rightfully ours."

Hoss's face creased into a scowl. "When I see that little midget I'm gonna give em what for and no mistake."

Adam nodded. "I can't says I blame ye, little brother has gone too far this time. Fifteen years we've been tracking him, fifteen long years. This search has denied me my life Hoss, a wife at my side, youngins. My hair is all but gone, my beard is grey..." Adam shook his head.

"You can't blame him for the hair loss Adam."

"Hoss please, I'm having a moment."

"Can I just interject here," Almanzo put in.

"Please do," Adam sat up.

"I was promised more stew," Almanzo held out his bowl.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

And so that night they all slept in the house, all except Albert and Andy who slept outside in the barn. The house was over crowded and Mr Edwards was letting off the most horrendous beer farts. Seriously what in the hell. Percival beside him covered his face and thought he would die.

Meanwhile out in the barn.

"I just feel so terrible. What could be happening to Almanzo. The worst is not knowing, not being privy to all the depraved acts being perpetrated on his lithe well toned body. Sweat glistening on his torso as he's being savagely whipped into submission."

"I know Andy, try not to think on it too much,"

Albert nodded in sympathy.

Somewhere in the vast hills a coyote howled out a lonesome tune. His lonely lament mingled with the thump thump thump of an out door Reggae concert. The residents of Walnut Grove and surrounding areas were blue in the face complaining, it was the third concert this year and it was a school night.

~o~

The stranger's dark blue eyes narrowed as he took in the little house.

Bandit should have barked like a mad thing when the man approached but instead he went to him and lay down at his feet looking for the man to tickle his tummy.

Charles emerged from the house pulling braces up over his long johns.

"Howdy friend, what can I do for you?" Charles asked.

"More rightly it is what I can do for you. I believe you are looking for a guide," the man smiled thinly.

Charles shrewd eyes took him in from his toes right up to his head.

He was tall…..

"Hay that was rather rude," the man complained suddenly. " looking me up and down like I'm a common criminal. I come here with an offer of help and you just treat….."

Charles went to him.

"No offense, they need a description." He told him.

"A description?"

"You're an OC."

"OC?"

"Own character, not one of the original crew. So they want to know what you look like."

"Such nonsense. I have blond hair, blue eyes and I'm originally from Russia."

Charles nodded, then frowned.

"You're not….Illya Kuryakin?"

"No."

"You look like him."

"That would be a crossover so no."

Charles brought Mr kur….the man into the house to meet the rest of the family."

~o~

"Welcome, welcome," Caroline beamed. "I've baked a pie just for you."

"How could you…..never mind." Charles shook his head.

"Everyone this is…."

"Ivan, Ivan Piskorski," the man nodded with a smile.

Caroline took a closer look at the stranger

"Charles he looks for all the world like…"

"Yeah best not to mention it though. He's a bit over sensitive."

Suddenly a rock came flying through the window, everyone ducked.

"Charles, there's a note attached to it," Mr Edwards took up the rock.

"What does it say?" Laura asked.

Instead of worrying about the note Ivan flung open the front door to see who had delivered it.

There in the yard was a large hefty man on a poor small donkey. The man had a large round face and steel blue eyes. The donkey looked wrecked tired like he belonged on one of those commercials for the donkey sanctuary.

"Come on Nelly," the man urged kicking the animals sides as Ivan walked up to them.

The large man gave up and got off the poor animal.

"You delivered the note, kindly explain yourself."

"Well ye see it was like this…."

Without warning the man pushed Ivan over and took off running after the donkey.

The others piled out of the house and ran up to him as Ivan dusted himself off.

The large man could still be seen running off down the straight dirt road after the donkey.

"Shouldn't we go after him?" Andy asked.

"I'm wearing my new trousers," Charles argued.

"Yeah and I have an ingrown toenail," John added.

"Time of the month," Laura chimed in.

Mr Edwards turned to the two boys. "Albert, Andy. You boys are young. You chase him down. Go on now git."

Albert and Andy looked at each other a little uncertain. They could easily catch him but what would they do when they did, he was huge."

"Go on now," Charles gave them a gentle push in the direction. "Off you go."

"Yes sir," the boys began jogging slowly. Not really anxious to catch the big man up.

Ivan turned to Charles,

"What was in the note?" He asked.

"What note?"

"The note thrown through the window. What was in it?"

Charles reluctantly took the note from his pocket.

"Oh just a few short words asking after my health and that of my family."

Ivan snatched the note from his hands.

"Give us back what is rightfully ours you little piss ant or we'll give you a thrashing which will make a trip to the barn with Pa look like a Sunday picnic."

Ivan crumpled the note in his hand. "Are you sure you don't know these people?"

"Yeah, pretty sure."

Charles bit his lip as he looked to the horizon and watched the fleeing donkey, the large man running after it and two children giving chase.

Ohhh, what to do, what to do!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

"Adam, Adam. I delivered the message but I had to hightail it out of there. They was all piling out of that lil old cabin and there was a stranger with em."

"A stranger?" Adams eyes narrowed.

"Yeah I ain't never seen him before, blond hair, check shirt, looked a mite like Illya Kuryakin."

"Don't worry Hoss, I know him. He's with us," Adam said.

Hoss nodded and kicked at the dirt in front of him.

"I lost that damned donkey."

"He's over there grazing on the long grass. He's been back hours. Whatever possessed you to bring him, your horse would have surely been a better choice."

"Adam I done told ye, I wanted to look like a stray peddler like in those penny dreadful books Joe used ta read. I figured I'd sneak up and get the drop on em."

"Clever, but you've been gone three hours. Bonzo there ate your dinner."

"It's Almanzo and I had to eat something. You've been practically starving me to death." Almanzo spoke around a mouth full of bacon grits and cheese.

Adam turned to him.

"Starving you to death, you've had three slices of bread, two bowls of stew and nearly all of Hop Sings blueberry pie. I can't keep you in food. You must have worms."

"You let em eat my dinner Adam?" Hoss scowled.

"You don't have to sit here and listen to the whining. I'm worn out. He never stops talking about his next meal."

"My dinner!" Hoss was close to tears as he sat down heavily on a tree stump.

Adam put a hand up for silence as footsteps could be heard approaching. He straightened up as two newcomers entered camp.

"Hello."

"Never mind hello," Albert said, Andy stood a little behind him trying to look tough. Both boys wielded big sticks and they were ready for trouble.

"You have our friend tied up over there,"

Andy vaguely pointed in the general direction.

"And we want him back," Albert tried not to wet himself as Adam stood up.

Adam scratched the side of his neck as he spoke.

"No sorry boys, we can't do that. Not until we take back what is rightfully ours."

Hoss stepped forward blocking out the sun.

"Did you boys run all the way here? Say….which of you boys is little Joe's son?"

Albert and Andy looked at each other.

Albert decided on a more assertive tact. He held up the stick which was now looking a bit flimsy and crap.

"Untie him and you won't get hurt."

"What did ye say?" Adam leaned forward.

Albert was having a bad nose day, his sinuses were completely blocked. Worse than usual.

"I said…..untie him and you won't get hurt."

Adam looked to the sky. "It's getting late, where did you say these boys came from Hoss."

"Walnut Grove, you know that little town with the big store we passed through."

Adam nodded. "We can't let them hike back there tonight. Hoss fetch me the rope from the saddle bags."

Hoss got up and went to the nearest saddlebag perched on a low wooden fence. He returned with a length of rope which Adam cut in two.

Albert gulped as Adam approached him. They put Albert on the ground, Adam was tying his hands and Hoss was tying his ankles together.

Andy was wielding the flimsy stick and sending it down again and again over Hoss's back. Damn that Sunday school teaching. As much as he tried he couldn't bring himself to hit hard enough to hurt the man. Eventually Hoss was finished tying Albert up. He reached over and pulled Andy down beside him. As Adam tied his wrists, Almanzo spoke around the apple he was eating.

"Andy you should have untied me, that would have been a better idea."

Both boys looked over at him. He was sucking apple juice off each of his fingers.

~o~

"I think there are too many volunteers," Ivan told them.

"We've already lost the two boys I think some of you should go back home."

"Thoroughly agree," Percival nodded. "Come Nelly, we can be home before my choir practice meeting if we hurry."

"I was talking about the women," Ivan pointed out.

"It's going to be a long arduous journey. It could take days perhaps even weeks to track them down. We could be accosted by Indians, bandits, vigilantes. If we are captured you women could be ravaged brutally right in front of us with no thought for your dignity or marital status."

"No that's not likely," John shook his head. "The story would be in the M section if anything like that was going to happen."

"Still and all, I don't like to take risks. I want the women to go home, you can escort them," he gestured to Percival.

The little mans bespectacled face lit up at that prospect.

Laura stepped forward.

"Look Buster, I don't know who you are but I'm engaged to that man captured in the wilderness. I'm engaged and I am expecting the best round of hot rough, steaming sex anyone's ever had on their wedding night."

"Half pint!"

"No Pa, it has to be said.

Now just maybe you're used to treating woman like that at the U.N.C.L.E but it won't work here. Now CAN the lecture and do your job, daylights wasting,"

With that Laura went to a horse and threw herself up into the saddle using only one hand.

Ivan pouted looking actually a little hurt.

"That's my girl," Caroline beamed around at everyone.

~o~

Adam was impressed, the boys could really sing. They did a harmony they had learnt in Sunday School to Amazing Grace and it was impressive, brought a small tear to Hoss's eye.

The fire burnt brightly in camp littered with bones from a wild rabbit and some crusts of bread. The boys hadn't realized how hungry they were. After a fill of rabbit, bread, corn on the cob and even blueberry pie they were actually feeling sleepy. So nice to have your food handed up to you for a change, not having to hunt for it.

"Now we only have one spare blanket," Adam told them, "but you're small you can both fit under it. Now does anyone need to go before you bed down?"

Both boys shook their heads.

"We went before we entered camp," Albert told him.

"Now are you sure because it's a long night and you've just had juice."

Andy looked to Albert, his face a little uncertain.

Adam got up, he untied Andy's ankles and pulled him into a standing position.

"Just say it, we're not animals. I wouldn't expect anyone to hold it all night or wet themselves. I was once in a desert with this crazy man. He made me work on his mine and he wouldn't allow me a toilet break, well I was so embarrassed. I didn't have a spare pair of pants with me and there's nothing worse than being wet and miserable is there?"

Andy walked along beside him hardly knowing what to make of this conversation and wishing he had insisted Albert come with them.

Soon they were back in camp and both boys were tucked up in their blanket for the night.

They tensed up as Hoss approached and crouched beside them.

"Say would you fellers like a story. I ain't much for reading but I can still remember the stories Adam told me when I was bout your age."

"No, no," both boys shook their heads.

"Are you sure, cause I know this hum dinger about a little feller an a princess and a spinning wheel."

"No," they shook their heads.

"We're fourteen so…."

"No thank you sir."

"Well ok but if you git scared in the night you jist holler an old Hoss will be over to ye in a shot."

The big man smiled as he pulled the blanket up around their shoulders and adjusted it around their limbs.

"There you go, snug as a bug. Now remember if ye want anything just holler."

He moved off then and went to sit with Adam. The two boys looked at each other wondering why in the world didn't they just stay with the rest of the team.

With traumatized faces they lay down and tried to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

A/N This is a parody and bares little resemblance to the wonderful writing, acting and characterizations in shows Little House on the Prairie and Bonanza. It's just basically a fan fic writer being silly (-;

Also, thanks so much everyone who commented reviewed or even read my silly story. You guys make writing such fun.

~o~

They trudged on for many miles, the blistering sun high in the sky making their journey ever more difficult. The sun was so blazing hot it would take a good bata writers help to write it properly.

Mr Edwards sang Old Dan Tucker for the first hour but as morning turned to afternoon everyone got sick of it and told him to shut up. He spent the rest of the time trudging along grumbling to himself.

Nelly walked gracefully along in buttoned down boots that were too high and her head of golden curls was shaded by a large frill rimmed umbrella. Percival crawled after her on his hands and knees lugging the large box of China on his back.

Charles and John walked out in front, trying to get ahead of Ivan and then each other.

"I think it's this way," John pointed to a steep incline of rocks just ahead. "I have this deep founded instinct that my son is somewhere just beyond those rocks."

Ivan passed him heading in the other direction. One by one everyone followed Ivan until John was on his own.

"Okay, wait up," he called as he jogged his big frame over to catch them up.

~o~

"Are you sure you know where we are?" Charles asked. "This looks a lot like Cheyenne territory."

Ivan turned round to face him, his handsome blond features coming over all snotty and affronted.

"Of course I know what I'm doing. I've been a tracker ever since my parents were killed by vigilante circus folk when I was three. I knew then that I would have to toil and scrape to forge a life for myself. I immediately journeyed to Carson city and signed on as a Trackers apprentice."

"At three?" Laura asked.

"Yes, I had no other choice. I would have to wait another ten years before I could avail of the savings in my parents joint bank account."

"That's a lovely back story lending incredible depth to your character," Charles nodded "but you've led us out on to waste ground that is part owned by Cheyenne Indians. There isn't a watering hole for miles and night will fall soon plunging the temperature so low it could kill us while we sleep."

Ivan looked all around him.

"Yeah, I see what you mean actually. It is pretty dead around here and we are out in the open, vulnerable."

They all looked at him.

"Okay," he said finally. "The good news is I'm not going to charge you. This tracking job is on the house. Yeah, I think I did go wrong somewhere."

"You went wrong?" Mr Edwards growled.

"Yeah, these trees and shrubs all look alike, you have to admit. Well good luck."

They all looked on in shock as he shook their hands and headed off down a dirt track by himself.

Laura squinted, shielding her eyes from the sun, "should we follow him pa?" She asked.

"No half pint, the road he's going is a path he must travel alone."

"Back to The Man From Uncle set," John nodded.

"Yep."

It was then that Nelly burst into tears.

"We're never getting out of here are we. We're stuck here forever. I wanna go home," she sobbed her heart out.

Laura rounded on her "Put a sock in it, you nit" she snapped.

"I'm the one who has lost the man I love. I'm the one who must lay down at night only to imagine his warm caressing hands on my trembling naked body. Being deprived of hot steamy sex night after night is more..."

Caroline went to her daughter and put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"Laura, I know you're hurting but this is just a little too much information."

"But Ma I have all these feelings and Reverend Aldan tells us daily that we should practice honesty in all things."

"Yes dear I know but..."

"Aw let her talk Caroline," groused Mr Edwards, "she ain't bothering us none."

"What's everyone standing around for?" Charles asked as he came up.

John, Edwards and Percival dispersed quickly and busied themselves looking for firewood.

"Don't worry Half Pint, we'll make camp and start out first thing tomorrow morning. We'll find them tomorrow for sure and we'll bring Almanzo back with us and there will be no need whatsoever to ask the two captors any questions about anything because they are just opportunistic vigilantes out to make a quick few dollars yeah,"

Charles nodded to himself as he joined in the search for wood. Caroline and Laura exchanged glances.

~o~

Hoss ran to the other end of camp roaring like a great bull. Andy was high up on his shoulders holding on for dear life.

"An now the great bull is gettin angrier than a hornets nest. You best hold on up there."

Hoss let out another roar and galloped to the other end of camp.

Adam and Albert entered camp at that moment Adam grinning from ear to ear.

"Nice to see you found something constructive to do while I was away," he said.

Hoss reached up and took Andy down from his shoulders.

"Aw Adam, I'm havin such fun with this little feller. I ain't had this much fun since we had those two little kids to stay with us, you remember."

Andy went to stand with Albert, the fourteen year old looked awkward and traumatized and Albert tried to sympathize with his eyes.

"Adam, is that all the fish you caught?" Hoss asked. "Bonzo here will have them all for starters."

"It's Almanzo, and yes I'm starving."

Adam nodded, "yep, I'm afraid that's all we got. The line got snagged and I asked Albert there to wade out and would you believe Hoss the poor kid couldn't swim."

"Poor little fella."

"So, we stripped down to our long johns and into the water to learn the back stroke. He could swim the Mississippi now couldn't you Albert?"

"Yeah," Albert answered.

It was Andy's turn to fix him with a look of sympathy.

~o~

That night Caroline cooked up a beef stew. She made dumplings to go with it and knocked together a steamed jam pudding for desert. She also made up a strong tangy beer to wash it all down with from barley stalks she picked earlier.

"Darlin, where's the cream?" Charles asked. "You know jam pudding tastes better with cream."

"But Charles, we're out in the wilderness here. Where am I to get cream?"

"We did pass some cows earlier," Mr Edwards groused.

"Yes we did." Caroline nodded agreement "I've ruined everything. Dinner is ruined. I'm so ashamed," she brought the corner of her apron up and wiped at a tear in her eye.

"Don't worry Darlin," Charles smiled at her over the campfire. "You can make up for it tomorrow with breakfast."

Caroline immediately smiled and was cheered by Charles encouraging words.

Charles smiled around at them all,

"Now let's all have a sing song, come on Edwards, where's old Dan Tucker."

Edwards folded his arms and turned a little away from them "I ain't singin it."

"Aw come on," John coaxed.

Edwards pointed at him.

"You were the very one that told me to shut up earlier. No way I'm singin anything for you."

"Aw come on, I'm sorry. It was hot and I was hungry."

Edwards shook his head and turned even further away from them.

Percival moved closer and put a hand on his knee.

"I like Old Dan Tucker, sing it for me," he said softly.

Edwards nodded. "I'll sing it for you...but not for them, they all told me to shut up earlier."

"I know, sing it for me."

And so, looking only at Percival Mr Edwards sang softly the words to Old Dan Tucker.

Soon they were all joining in and the little camp was a happy gay scene as the tired red sun dipped low on the horizon.

So wrapped up in their singing were they, that they could not know that they were being watched by a tall bronzed stone faced Indian.

Dom Dom Dom


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Charles came awake and immediately saw that someone was standing directly over him.

Just in time he managed to stifle the hysterical scream rising to his lips and keep hold of his manly dignity.

He got to his feet and looked the Indian square in the eye.

"You have trespassed on to a private residents campsite. There are no drugs here of any kind," He told him.

"I do not want drugs. I am chief Winnamocha of the badly spelled Shashoni tribe. I come in search of the man they call...Adam of Ponderosa. I need to pay him out for the grave wrong he has committed against my people."

The others had by now come awake and they all got to their feet.

"You come alone chief, where are the rest of your tribe?" John asked.

"Yeah that doesn't make much sense," Laura had to agree.

"I don't know...enough with the questions. This is free Fan Fiction story, you want story that makes sense put your hand in your pocket and buy a book."

John put his hands up. "We mean no disrespect chief. But tell me, who is this Adam you speak of?"

"We take prisoner, he blond man from your party. He was seen talking to Adam of Ponderosa just days ago. We interrogated him mercilessly making him submit to our fittest women over and over again. Different positions, different women, all fit, all demanding. Sometimes two or three of them working on him at the same time. We knew that the shame of mounting young unmarried Shashoni women would never leave him but we had to find truth. We find out that he has been working for Adam of Ponderosa and he has been paid to lead you all out here so that big man called Hoss can slam dunk little man called Joe."

"The blond man you speak of, he was our guide, is he alright?" Laura asked.

"No. Our method has again driven the white man to madness. He sits at campfire with a fixed smile on his face for hours and hours."

"You animals," Perceval snapped shaking uncontrollably "How could you do such a thing. Expecting a decent man to submit to these wild untamed barbarian women. Charles we should run him out of camp, Charles..."

Charles was somewhat distracted.

"Pa?" Laura looked to him.

"Yes, sorry, what were you saying?"

"Charles, I was just saying we should run this man out of camp," Perceval said again.

"Yes good idea, off you go now. Four men against one. You know it makes sense. Off you go now," Charles began to shew him out of camp.

"Now hold on Charles." John intervened. "If Ivan, our tracker was hired by this man Adam of Ponderosa to lead us out here, perhaps this Adam fella is also keeping our boys and Almanzo captive."

Charles face began to colour up.

"Nah, I think it's a wild goose chase John, best to stay as we are. No need to go looking for this Adam Cartwright fella."

"No there was no Cartwright in there Charles. His name is Adam of the Ponderosa." John corrected.

"Oh yes of course how silly of me," Charles said staring off into the distance.

John looked too but could see nothing but trees and grass.

"We'd best hurry Charles if we want to find them younguns, daylights wasting."

"You know John I've been thinking about that. Alice is a fit and healthy young woman and you could always have another child. Me, I could always go back into one of those big ass towns and pick up another stray boy. Maybe we'll all just go on home and forget about this whole sorry mess."

John put a hand to his shoulder. "I know how you're feelin Charles, believe me I do but we have to believe that our boys are out there and still alive an we are going to bring them home safe."

Charles nodded as John caressed his shoulder...then he caressed a little too long and it got weird.

"Now I vote we leave Percival here with the women and we follow Chief Winnamocha back to his camp to learn more from Ivan. It might be dangerous, they may want to interrogate us too but that's a chance we will have to take."

Charles nodded vigorously. "Now you're talking, I'm mean yes, looks like that is our only option."

Laura stepped forward.

"No Pa, where one goes, we all go. We, your women folk are not about to stand by and watch as our menfolk are fouled, dehumanized and humiliated by a bunch of savage Indian women. Pa as long as I'm alive I promise you, not one fit, unmarried Shashoni woman is going to touch a hair on your head."

"Thanks half pint...that's great."

~o~

Meanwhile Adam had his own problems, Hoss had gotten attached.

He sat with Andy on his lap stroking his fine shining hair and crying big tears.

"Now Hoss, we have to give him back. You knew you couldn't keep him when we got into this."

"I know Adam, I know," Hoss continued to sob stroking Andy's hair.

Andy sat very still just feeling glad Instagram hadn't been invented yet.

"I'd feed him every day Adam and change his bed," Hoss sniffed.

"No Hoss, now I have to be firm. He needs to go home tomorrow. It's one thing taking Almanzo, a grown man..."

"I'm starving, "

Adam ignored their captive for a minute and went on,

"It's quite another thing taking two young boys."

"But he wants ta stay Adam, don't ya Andy?"

Two brown eyes looked up at the massive hand stroking his hair.

"Y..yes sir ," he said.

"No Hoss, my decision is final. The boys go back tomorrow. We'll lead them close enough to Walnut Grove that they can journey the rest of the way by themselves. Now that's it Hoss."

Hoss nodded reluctantly. He let go of Andy. Andy was heartily glad to get up and even more glad that they were going home tomorrow. He smiled to himself but as he turned he could see the tears on Hoss's face. The big man really did get attached. He was heart broken.

"Hoss, what about one more game of wild bull?" Andy asked him.

"You wanna play wild bull Andy?" Hoss smiled suddenly through his tears.

Andy shrugged. "Sure, why not."

Hoss didn't need telling twice, he picked Andy up and hoisted him up on his shoulders.

"You tell anyone and you're dead," Andy said as Albert grinned up at him.

"Nah, I won't tell anyone. I kinda wanna play too!"

So both boys ended the night on the shoulders of each of the men wrestling to the death and laughing hysterically as they fell.

Almanzo looked on with arms folded. There was no way he was going to get any supper tonight.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

As the seasons change and the world turns I begin to realize that our little family has grown in the wisdom and knowledge of the ages...no sorry that's The Waltons.

The following day Adam and Hoss were good to their word. They broke camp early in the morning and began on the road back to Walnut Grove with the boys.

They also decided to leave Almanzo back at Walnut Grove. They'd have a good long think before deciding to kidnap anyone again.

As they walked along Almanzo prattled away as much to himself as to anyone. Adam suddenly turned to him.

"Will you shut the hell up," He yelled.

Almanzo froze in his tracks and scowled, a lump of buttered scone protruding from inside his right cheek.

"Ok, you didn't get bacon for breakfast today, we get it but don't keep going on."

"You haven't given me bacon all week..." Almanzo muttered plaintively.

"No stop," Adam put a hand up. "We are releasing you and these boys and you can go back to which ever poor sod is cursed with feeding you. Just stop moaning now because we're nearly at your home town."

They began moving off again.

"I'm just saying that if you happen to kidnap someone again it's as well to make sure you have enough provisions because you wouldn't want them falling sick from lack of nourishment before you could claim a ransom. That's all I'm saying. I'm helping you," Almanzo mumbled as he walked along.

Adam was about to speak again when a large man suddenly jumped down from a tree. On his way down he hit Hoss on the back of the head with a baton. The big man crumpled to the ground. Others soon came on the scene and surrounded the travelers. They brandished knives and grinned through dirt stained teeth. Adam kept Albert and Andy behind him as the bandits closed in.

"Drop your weapon," one particularly nasty looking ruffian said.

"Drop your weapon or I'll swear I'll cut those two little runts up and hang their carcasses on a tree."

The others laughed heartily.

Adam dropped his gun. He had no choice. Once the threat of gunfire was no more they attacked like dogs. Two or three of the scoundrels took Adam on and brought him to the ground. One took hold of each of the boys and went through his pockets.

They then took on Almanzo. He head butted the first one and threw the other over his shoulder. Almanzo then charged into the three holding Adam. He knocked them down like skittles and pounded their faces until they were dazed. One larger man took him from behind and tried to get him into a headlock. Almanzo stood up and threw the man over his shoulder. Then he pounded him unconscious.

Hoss got slowly to his feet, rubbing at a nasty bump on the back of his head.

Adam looked on as the bandits lay all around half dazed and moaning in pain.

Almanzo was just beginning to get his breath back.

"Walnut Grove is this way," he pointed and began to shuffle off in that direction.

The two brothers stared after him.

~o~

Charles, John and the rest of the little band of travelers finally made it to the camp of the badly spelled Shoshoni tribe.

I'm not any good at descriptive writing so you'll just have to use your imagination. Along their journey there were trees and flowers and western stuff like abandoned wagon wheels and carcasses of dead mules.

And cactus...there was cactus.

Yeah anyway...they walked through camp feeling more than a little nervous. Warrior braves stood and watched them as they passed. Charles tried to stick his chest out and march ahead of the rest of them but he caught his foot on a sticky up tree root and went flying. One of the braves, a very tall strong man caught him and pulled him upright.

"Thank you But when I want your help I'll ask for it," Charles said in a huffy voice.

They soon found Ivan. He was sitting by a campfire wrapped in a woven blanket. A young woman was attending to his needs.

"You get away from him," Laura snapped. "No doubt you were one of those lecherous nymphs who forced your attentions on him."

The young woman's face was suddenly full of anxiety and remorse.

"Please I could not help it. He looks so like Illya Kuryakin. When was I to do."

Nelly stepped forward. "Well your penance seems real. Perhaps you will mend your ways."

She looked back with sincerity in her bright almond eyes.

"I can promise you, neither me nor any of my twelve beautiful sisters will ever touch your men again. We are deeply sorry."

Laura looked back and fixed her Pa with a big smile.

Charles and John tried to smile back.

They all sat cross legged around a large open campfire. Women came back and forth to attend them bringing food and water. Bringing waffles and bacon and pop tarts and scrambled eggs and coffee...

Sorry, little tip. Never write fan fiction when you're hungry.

Once they had eaten their fill of bacon and grits (poor Almanzo missed out there)

Chief Winnamocha came and sat with them bringing his advisors.

"We must find the man Adam of Ponderosa. He has done great wrong to our tribe. He has taken the sacred stone of Rath from it's resting place. If it is not returned great sickness and death will plague our people for a hundred years," The chief said.

Charles and John nodded and tried to think of something intelligent to say.

There was a long silence finally broken by Ivan.

"It wasn't my fault. I was just hired by Adam Cartwright to bring these people out into the desert so that he could apprehend one of them."

"Who does he want to apprehend?" John asked.

"Don't interrupt the man John," Charles suddenly spoke out.

"We don't need to hear all the details this very minute."

"I'm sorry Charles. I guess I'm just gettin anxious to know what this is all about."

Ivan continued.

"Adam Cartwright is trying to locate a long lost brother called Little Joe Cartwright. As the story goes their father died suddenly and he left behind a great farm and loads of money. Well just after the funeral little Joe Cartwright got the local banker to open up the bank and he took all the money and galloped off into the sunset on his little horse Cochise."

Laura frowned. "You had a little horse called Cochise hadn't you Pa?"

"No Laura...that was...Cockroach. I had a horse called Cockroach when you were little."

Caroline smiled. "No Charles I remember. His name was Cochise, a little paint pinto. A fine animal. You rode him into town that day you lost 20,000 dollars in one sitting on a card game at the saloon."

They were all looking at Charles now. He sat with his arms folded, big red face and saying nothing to no one.

Chief Winnamocha went on.

"We must find Adam of Ponderosa and bring back sacred stone of Rath. We ask for your help."

"We'll help you in any way we can." John agreed.

"It wasn't 20.000 dollars it was 19,900 dollars and that guy cheated," Charles blurted out suddenly.

~o~

Almanzo sat at the table, napkin in shirt. He had been eating for a full hour. Eliza Jane poured him another cup of coffee.

"What's for dessert sis?" He asked around a mouth full of blueberry pie and cream.

"I have a strawberry and cinnamon pie just cooling on the stove," She smiled.

"Would any of you cut throats like some more coffee?" She asked.

"Eh, no ma'am that was just fine, and thank you," Hoss said.

"You can sleep out in the barn tonight. There's plenty of straw and bedding and I have a lamp I can let you have."

"Or the hotel in town has plenty of rooms," Almanzo spoke up.

It wasn't so much the kidnapping. He was worried at the amount of food Hoss Cartwright liked to consume.

Eliza Jane tapped him on the shoulder.

"Don't be rude Almanzo, it's raining outside."

The brothers were soon heading to the barn with blankets, a lamp and a can of fresh coffee.

"Ain't it funny she let us sleep in the barn Adam considerin we kidnapped her brother?" Hoss asked.

"Yeah it doesn't make much sense. Just be grateful for badly written fan fiction Hoss."

~o~

Charles awoke to find an empty space on the mattress beside him.

He got up, perspiration glistened on his tanned well toned chest. Ohhh Yeah.

He left the tent in search of his wife. Caroline was never much good at hide and seek. She stood a little off to one side staring out at the forest.

"Darlin." Charles put his arms around her. He could feel her stiffen against his embrace.

"What is it?" He asked.

She pulled away from him.

"Charles, I can't help feeling that you haven't been entirely honest with me."

Guilt clouded his face like a shadow.

"Caroline, speak, tell me." He asked.

"Charles...That cinnamon cake I made tonight, you said you liked it but I could see it in your face...oh Charles." She collapsed in his arms sobbing.

"Caroline, your cakes have always been hit and miss. But I have always been honest with you. That cake you made tonight, it had just the right moist consistency and a pleasant after taste so yeah l deemed it satisfactory."

Caroline smiled up at him. "Oh Charles, lets never argue again."

"No Darlin," he wrapped his arms about her and kissed the top of her head.

~o~

Adam hadn't meant to disturb anyone, unfortunately as he opened the door he upset a broom that was placed close by and it clanked to the floor.

Eliza Jane came running out in her long frill nightie and her curlers.

"You monster, I knew it. You've come to ravage me in my sleep," She said.

Adam put a match to the lamp on the table as he spoke.

"Eh no ma'am. Certainly not. Hoss being a big man, he needs an extra blanket. Would you have an extra blanket ma'am please?"

Eliza Jane scurried over. Her curlers bobbed up and down as she moved.

"Shhh, my brother is a light sleeper. He will hear."

Adam took a step back as she approached.

"I only want an extra blanket ma'am."

"I know what you ruffians are about, make no mistake. You will murder Almanzo and the children if you don't have your wicked way with me. Then be done with it. Take me."

She lay down and spread herself across the length of the table.

Adam stood there and scratched the side of his neck.

"Eh, it's ok. Hoss can have my blanket. I'll sleep with my jacket on."

Eliza Jane raised her head as the door banged shut.

"Ugh stinking bandits in the house and I'm still fully intact."

~o~

The next morning a huge party of riders left the camp. Chief Winnamocha rode ahead with Charles, John and Ivan.

The rest of the party consisted of the ladies, Mr Edwards and Percival.

Taking up the rear was Chief Winnamocha's entire army of warriors. The Chief was determined to face Adam of Ponderosa and return the sacred stone to its rightful place at the grotto near the foot of their camp. He and his warriors talked and planned through the night and they were ready to face the fiercest battle.

Charles tried to ride ahead of everyone and he rode bare chested even though as John told him there was a distinct nip in the air.

After many hours of riding in the intense afternoon heat and a stop for afternoon coffee and a slice of Caroline's excellent chocolate fudge brownie cake they made it to Walnut Grove.

Instinctively Charles knew that his long lost brothers would find his house and wait for him there. Sure enough as the large party rode up towards the little house the door opened and Adam stepped out. He looked directly at Charles but before he could speak Chief Winnamocha got down from his horse and approached.

"Adam of Ponderosa, many moons I have searched for you. Many of my people have died along the way. I ask that you give back that which you have taken. Give back the sacred stone of Rath and no blood will be spilled this day."

There was silence, Chief Winnamocha's warriors sat poised and ready.

Adam frowned. He fished in his pocket and pulled out a small black, shining stone.

"What this?" He asked, holding it up.

The chief gave a slight nod in answer.

Adam tossed it and the Chief caught it in his hand.

Charles watched with a growing sense of dread as Chief Winnamocha pocketed the tiny stone, walked slowly to his horse and got back on. Without another word he turned his horse and slowly headed off in the direction they had come. His army followed suit.

Adam glared at Charles. "Hello, little brother."

"Well, this is a family affair obviously so I'll be off now." Ivan smiled as he turned to leave.

"Yes, we really must go too," Percival smiled as he took hold of Nellies horse and turned away too.

Charles immediately looked to his friend.

"John?" He squeaked.

"So long Charles, see you at Church." John galloped off so hard a trail of dust rose up after him.

Adam moved forward and took hold of the bridal. "Get down from that horse."

Charles did so immediately and stood looking sheepish as Hoss came up to join them.

"Pa, who are these people?" Laura asked.

"Tell her," Adam commanded.

"That's your uncle Adam and that's your uncle Hoss half pint," Charles said in a small voice.

Adam let go a sigh of resignation.

"I take it all the money is gone little brother."

Charles could only nod his head.

"I see. According to Ponderosa rules little brother what is the penalty for stealing?"

Charles looked down at his fingernails and mumbled something incoherent.

"I can't hear you." Adam snapped.

"A trip to the barn," Charles almost wailed.

"Yes that's right. Well. I think now is as good a time as any don't you."

Charles mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?" Adam yelled.

"I said I'm a grown man," Charles mumbled a little louder.

"Well when you act like a grown man I will treat you like one. Now shall we..."

Adam lead Charles towards the barn with Hoss following along behind.

Laura watched them go with growing concern.

"Ma, Uncle Adam isn't really going to take his belt to Pa is he?" She asked.

Caroline smiled "Of course not darling, they're grown men."

They both listened as yelping and crying could be heard coming from the barn.

"Or maybe yes he is but it doesn't matter Laura. It doesn't matter because they are brothers and they're all together again and life is wonderful."

"Oh Ma, you're so right."

Laura and Caroline went arm in arm into the house as the yelping in the barn continued long into the night.

The End.


End file.
